As I said before..
In case you missed it and were interested -- changing journals yet again!

Happy cheesy holidays!

Follow me if you please: heartbeatheat

New Journal.
Amelie TV
Yup, it's that time again!

If you'd like to follow me over to heartbeatheat, you're more than welcome.

Keep it positive. x and o.

I can't even explain...
I can't even explain how excited I am to be done with this semester of school. I really, really love the school, but working full-time and going to school full-time is eating me alive. During the week, I work full time, go to school on Tuesday and Thursday nights till 10, then on the weekend, school Saturday 9-5 and Sunday 9-5:30. Not having a day off is killing me. Not having any time to myself is killing me. Not having a regular sleep schedule is killing me. Not working out is killing me. My body is a wreck. I am being killed. Haha.

So I get a week off after Sunday, and then I have one more class on the 5th and I AM DONE. A whole month off! From school, anyway. I'm so set on working out and relaxing. It's going to be the best.. ever.

gmail chat with Brian
Brian: Sweet heart, you are the greatest thing in the world.
I have to get in the shower
but I love you so much
thanks for your email

me: Baby I love you!!
Ok, let me know when you're out!

Brian: Ive got to leave right after

me: oh bummer
great spelling on that one

Brian: thanks sweetie :)
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veggie love
So as it goes, I've been rarely seeing Brian because our schedules are so hectic. I see him Saturday night and most of Sunday though. This past weekend, we both took Friday off because it was our 1 year mark! I made him this huge mixed media art piece, wrote him a letter, and bought him an awesome tea from Mountain Rose Herbs [Happy Man Tea]. He gave me the cutest card, wrote me a beautiful letter, drew me the most adorable picture, and.... gave me a laptop?! It's a hybrid anniversary/birthday/christmas present - but my computer at home is in the shitter, I can't edit photos on it for work and I haven't even been able to get on it.... So now I have this incredible laptop and I can now join the rest of the modern world. HOW AWESOME IS IT to sit up in bed, grab your computer and check your email in bed?!?! He's working extra hard today because he took Friday off, so I'm not spending the day with him... but do you know what this means??

Fall Back means that I get to enjoy an extra hour to the BEST solitary day of my life. I am not even kidding. I'm 30 minutes into it and I'm overwhelmed with the awesome. I can't even tell you how good it is to wake up on my own, to no alarm [telling me I have to go somewhere and do something] and have NOTHING planned for the day. I came home from school last night and cleaned the whole house which is something I haven't been able to do for over a month. I washed clothes, bedding, cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed, organized, made everything livable again... just so that when I woke up this morning, I would be in this clean, wonderful, beautiful space. EXHALE. I feel wonderful. I woke up to a little bit of sunlight in a nice cool room where I slept in the perfect temperature all night with Ammo happily and lovingly greeting me at my bed - I grabbed my laptop and checked my email, took Ammo outside where he just laid down in the sun, cut up a pear and ate it outside with him and enjoyed the warmth, came back inside to this wonderful and inviting bed, got back on my computer and then noticed it was Fall Back! A WHOLE EXTRA HOUR OF THIS?! You're kidding! All I keep thinking about is being productive and DOING stuff because I haven't had a day to myself like this for... maybe four months. IT'S AMAZING! I'm not going to study, I'm not going to work. I AM going to cook a nice lentil/cauliflower/celery soup for the week. I AM going to watch TV on my computer. I might play video games and I might nap. I might read something I WANT to read. I might even get my hair cut.

I don't even know what to do with myself, this is so wonderful. Holy crap. The simple things, eh??

Have I mentioned..
I love him?

So.. so much?Collapse )

Always loving. Always with love.
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So busy.
So, yeah. I'm a lot busier than I would like. I just sat here and thought of a million reasons why everything sucks, because of that. You want to know the reasons?

1. I am not getting the right amount of sleep. Now, I'm not too sleep-deprived, but my body is not getting what it needs to be healthy. This, in turn, affects my back.

2. My back. Those of you that don't know, I've got a degenerative disc in my lower back, and it basically ruins my life. Work sitting plus school sitting, plus maxing myself out every day has a profound affect on my physical happiness. I worry about it all the time and [most of the time] I am thinking about how it's going to act when I choose to become pregnant and have kids. It scares me to death.

3. No time to unwind. Absolutely none. I just typed up a big run-down of my schedule, but really, it wasn't interesting, so you're just going to have to take my word for it.

4. No time to work on myself [other than in class]. I have no time to work on art of ANY kind, writing, drawing, painting, photography [in an art sense, not photography for other people in a documentation sense]. No time to read. Not even any time to study for school.

5. No time to cook. For me, this is a big deal. I'm vegan and I've got an on-going battle with food and cooking and planning my meals is extremely important to me. Whole, good foods are what I center my body around [that and sleep] and if I can't do it, I don't feel like me. I'm just floating.

6. No time to work out. Ah, crapsticks. No time to work out. I'm not exercising. I'm trying to incorporate some small things into my day, but gooooooodddddddddddd I just want to have a stable exercise schedule.

7. No social life. None. I'm starting to "make friends" with my peers in class, but I've got no time to invite them to dinner or movie-nights. On the same note, I don't have any time to spend with people that are already my friends.

8. I MISS MY BOYFRIEND. Holy crap, I miss him. The only times I get to see him are Saturday nights and Sundays - and since we're both INCREDIBLY busy right now, Sunday is also his "get stuff done" day because he only has one day a week for that. He makes my heart beat. The time we spend together is amazing but cut so short because of our circumstances, this month.

So... complain complain complain, right? Well, in an effort to be positive [and I'm always lovingly reminded to stay positive by Brian] I started thinking about all the good things that will come from all this crap and what I get to look forward to, in the future. Ready for positivity??

1. Soon enough, I WILL be able to sleep. I will be able to sleep my right 9 hours a night and I will have the freedom of having enough time to shower EVERY morning.

2. My back is something that can be helped, a little. I'm learning great body mechanics at IPSB right now, and I've been launched into a network of healers that are specifically trained to relieve pain. I learned a few good tricks from one of my instructors, and instead of my back just always being on my mind as pain and how to manage this pain, my back is also on my mind in a preventative medicine type of way. I may not be able to heal it, but I can probably do a lot to stop it from getting worse.

3. Now, the having-no-time-for-anything-thing... there aren't that many positives to it, at all. But I WILL say that when I get to work out, do art, read, and cook again, it will be so, so sweet.

4. I will have friends again, someday! I'll be going to school with these folks for lots of time to come, and I'll be making friends and connections through my business and I WILL have DINNER NIGHTS AND MOVIE NIGHTS. Haha, but I'll be all the way in Corona. I will make friends there. :]

5. Brian Grider is the man I love. When October is over, his schedule will be a lot more clear - and when November is over, I'll have a nice break from school. School will start up again, but come the end of February, we're moving into a beautiful house and will get to sleep with each other every night. He'll be working from home [building out a studio] and soon after that, I'll be working from home and we will get to have lunch together every single day -- aside from all of the other wonderful ways you get to spend time with someone when you live with them. We're in the business of celebrating our love, and seeing each other so sparsely is not conducive to that! Soon enough.

Listen, this is all for a very good reason. I'm working hard on my weekday job and my weekend job so that I can make money. Money allows you to buy things. Money lets you live. It's shitty, but it's true. If I want to get anywhere with my businesses, I've got to put hard work into it. If I want to live in the beautiful house I'll be living in, it will cost money. It's simple - I need to make it, and I am. Going to this school is amazing. I'm learning what I need to learn to be the kind of healer I want to be, and in enough time, I'll have the certificates I need to do what I want to do. It's all for good. All of this busy is for good.

So, you make sacrifices. Working towards the better good. Growing up.

I need to try my best to keep all of these things in mind. There WILL be a time where I'm not spreading myself transparent. There WILL be a time to build a home with Brian. There WILL be a time to breathe.

Just not yet :]

Happy October!!

October is a beautiful month of madness.

Let's look at all the wonderful things about October:

First, it's AUTUMN!!

October 2nd: My mom is coming to visit!

October 4th: Full moon!

October 11th: Ammo's birthday!

October 30th: One year with Brian!

October 31st: Halloween!

Not to mention all of the wonderful harvesty and creepy goodness of this month. And school!! I'm SUPER busy but I am loving my classes sooo hard. Just rediscovered the art from "Scary Stories" [special thanks to cesium_spit - scary story books most of us had when we were younger]. SO IN LOVE.

Stephen Gammell is the artist.


The Joy of Unhappiness
I’m talking about you. You know, you’re the one that loves feeling sorry for yourself. You’re the one that complains without doing. You’re the one that absolutely drains those around you. I'm not talking about people with chemical imbalances and legitimate depressive disorders.. I am talking about you. Yes, Y-O-U are what is slowly sucking our planet dry of the richness that human interaction formerly imbued us with. You.

You know who you are. Everything “happens” to you and you just don’t know why. No outcomes could possibly be a reflection on the effort that you, yourself put in. Nothing you say or do is ever enough to change things you don’t like. You think everything is bad [all the time], and good moods rarely “find you”. When people greet you and ask you how you are, you rattle off twenty reasons why the world just isn’t good enough for you, and then are too oblivious and self-involved to ask them about how they are.

Here’s why this is bad for you: You are wasting energy – energy that could be put in to something constructive [or even just neutral]. You are less capable of achieving your goals. You are less capable of even setting goals. Your creativity is stifled. You begin resenting others that are happy. You begin imagining/creating faults in others. You never, ever reflect on yourself and your behavior, and you never, ever grow. You are stagnant. Unhappy people are unattractive. You are unattractive this way. You are exhausting yourself. You are not taking care of yourself. Your body will reflect the emotions it’s being fed. You are hurting your body. You will get sick, you will feel rundown and you will be very, very tired [any of those, or more] – lucky for you, this only gives you more to complain about!

Here’s why this is bad for others: We don’t want to feel bad. Negativity breeds negativity. Contrary to what you might think, we are not here to be negative with you. We are here to be ourselves. You don’t listen when people offer advice. These people care about you. This is sometimes an example of them trying harder than you to help make your life better. The least you could do is be polite and act like you’re listening. You make people feel like they don’t matter and that their opinion doesn’t exist. Don’t complain to solution-oriented people unless you want their help. I don’t want to watch you complain, I want you to do something for yourself and be open to changing and moving. Stop whining and do something about it. If what you’re doing isn’t working, you have an infinite amount of other options to choose from! It’s incredible, really, how free we are to make the right choices [for us] through trial and error.

Now, you, there’s a difference between listening to someone vent and listening to someone complain. Venting is something we do so that we can purge our thoughts, see them clearly, and then work towards either logical or emotional resolve. You don’t just vent. You complain. There is nothing that makes me crazier than seeing people I care about not doing anything for themselves. I’m not sure if it’s just because you like everyone feeling bad for you, and you’re addicted to sympathy – but bad moods don’t suit anyone, and I guarantee you that almost everyone you continually receive sympathy from [whether it’s genuine or not] is going to start ignoring you. It’s the nature of the beast. The boy that cried wolf. It feels SO good to complain and see that everyone cares, but when you complain about everything, nobody cares. What’s the point in caring about someone that shows us that they have no desire to improve their own situation? It would be futile, at it’s finest. Stop focusing on your misery and shift your gaze towards something new, something… dare I say it, progressive? [What a novel idea!]

I’m writing this blog on this small, insignificant space in this huge, interconnected, inter-world – because someone will read it. Most likely, you’ve had no idea that you’re one of these people until you read this. Maybe you’re delusional enough to shake your head and shun this blog into the ground because you’re finding pieces of yourself in it and that makes you unhappy – excuse me – more unhappy [in which case, you’ve just proven to yourself that you don’t hate the blog, you dislike the way you’ve been acting]. Maybe you’ll read it and get angry with me for showing you parts of yourself that you’ve been completely ignoring. Mainly, I hope that you read this blog, find yourself in it, and do something to become better. Not for me or anyone else, for yourself.

The impact we have on others is immeasurable. Just like negativity breeds negativity, positivity breeds positivity. Everything you do affects everyone around you. I know it’s old and hard-pressed, but it’s still around for a reason – for goodness sake, treat others the way you would like to be treated. Be supportive of one another and be open and receptive to everything. We are feeling beings and while it’s important to feel the pain and hurt that comes with inhabiting these bodies, it’s evermore important to grow from these experiences. Be like the ocean. Oceans ebb and flow, oceans create, and oceans destruct where they see fit. Oceans have warm, swift currents, and they also freeze over [with ice cold currents rushing below]. Oceans have many personalities. Don’t stay stuck. Don’t be the stagnant pond, with rotting water, odorous and dirty - strange insects and creatures about, drifting in the bog and haze of their homes. We can only do so much for ourselves in this life, and at the very least, take charge of your own happiness. You owe it to yourself to be reflective. Who are we, if not ever-evolving? Outdated versions of ourselves [think about how disgusting over-alls are, eh?] You owe it to yourself and those around you to be a kind, caring, compassionate person. Learn about yourself, your strengths and weaknesses then strive to be bigger than yourself. Every day.


I'm, in no way, saying I am anywhere near as evolved as I could be, but at least I'm trying.
It’s hard, but it’s so worth it.

With all the love my big heart can beat,

PS I love you.

veggie love
I was just given the entire Federal Pell Grant. Almost my whole first year at IPSB is payed for by the government. WIN.

More info on my school:

[going for the AS]

However, I'm going to be working full-time, going to school full-time, and also working part-time doing photography. I might die, but I'm pretty sure I'll own it.


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